Blue ocean
Holds my heart and tears
Reminds me of you
So far away

Today is the ninth anniversary of the 2002 Bali Bombings. The bombings killed 202 people, including 88 Australians, and Bali is often considered our version of September 11, the moment when our part of the world changed forever.

Many of those killed and injured in the attacks came from Coogee, very near where we live in Randwick, and this memorial was erected in 2003 as a place of remembrance and reflection. It’s a beautiful, quiet spot overlooking the ocean and I often find myself spending time there when I’m in Coogee… I can’t think of a better tribute to their memory. I actually took this photo a few months ago, the day after Osama bin Laden died, and I thought I’d save it to post today.

In many ways it’s hard to believe it’s only been nine years since the bombings as so much has happened since. But even with Amrozi gone & so much time passed, it’s amazing how quickly the memories come back. I still remember that day so well… hearing about it on the news, seeing the fires burning, reading the names of the dead and missing in the local paper. Those memories will be with me for the rest of my life.

When I think about Bali I’m mostly filled with sadness now; for the suffering that was caused; for how the world has changed. But most often I find myself thinking of this memorial and what it represents, a place of peace and reflection, and I find myself hoping that one day, perhaps, the whole world might be as peaceful… that would be the true memorial.

Photo and haiku © CJ Levinson 2011

Update: I wrote this poem as well for the fifth anniversary. I thought I’d share it again in case anyone would like to read it.

I didn’t know anything about it and only recently stumbled across it via Google; I had licensed it under a creative commons licence and it looks like someone liked it enough to turn it into a kind of song/audio reading on ccMixter.

It’s actually two samples; an a cappella reading of the poem by Togora and then a remix with music added by Syenta. I think it’s excellent, particularly for what was probably just a quick project, and I really like the bluesy feel to it; suits the poem perfectly.

I’ve embedded it below if anyone wants to listen and the original poem is available here. My thanks to Togora and Syenta for their work; I’m honoured that they liked my poem enough to reinterpret it. Makes me want to write a proper song.

I often find myself thinking back to that day. I was sixteen at the time and my parents and I were living in a hideous cockroach-infested flat in Hillsdale that we hated and were trying to move out of as quickly as possible. At the time I felt miserable; it was one of the first times that my health had worsened and I felt trapped and lonely and missed my friends. I’d also just received several nasty rejection letters, which for a sixteen year old who’d only just started writing were devastating.

Then September 11 happened and it put some things in perspective. I can still remember exactly where I was when I first heard about it; I was having a shower when my mother knocked on the door and said there’d been an explosion at the World Trade Center. I didn’t understand at first; I thought she meant there’d been an accident and didn’t think much more about it while I finished and got changed. When I came through though I knew immediately it was serious; my parents were staring at the television, horrified. I looked at the TV which had crossed to one of the US stations and saw the smoke and fire… and then moments later the second plane flew into the South Tower.

For as long as I live I don’t think I’ll ever forget the feeling in my stomach as I watched the plane hit; it was almost physical, like my soul had suddenly been ripped from my body. I felt weak at the knees and had to sit down. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing; I remember hearing shouts and screams coming through the TV but it felt surreal, like I was watching it all from somewhere far away.

We just stared at the TV for a while after that, talking a little but mostly just watching. One of the main things I remember is seeing people jumping from the windows, jumping and falling. I didn’t understand at first; I thought it was debris. I think deep down I knew they were people jumping but my mind just wasn’t able to accept what I was seeing. Then the towers collapsed; each time it happened it felt like it was in slow motion and I remember trying to speak, to shout, but only managed a whispery “no”. My eyes were wet and I cried silently, the first time I had cried in years.

Probably what I remember the most though are the images and sounds from the aftermath; of people walking through the streets, dazed, covered in dust; of walls covered with photos of the missing and flowers; of hundreds of shrill alarms ringing constantly in the background of news reports. I’d actually not known what those alarms were until I heard it mentioned today; I had thought they were car alarms but they were the alarms that the firefighters wore, going off beneath the rubble.

Most of all though I remember the solidarity afterward, the way America and the world seemed to come together in the days and weeks after the attacks. There was anger and sadness but also hope and unity as well. It wasn’t just America that was attacked that day, it was an attack on the values of the Western world and in a way I think, on that day, we were all Americans. We stood as one.

I had thought my memories of September 11 would fade somewhat as time went by and to some extent they have but I don’t think that they will ever truly fade. I think certain experiences have such a strong impact on you that you never forget them; they become part of you and shape who you are and, even watching from half the world away, September 11 was one for me.

I think one of the reasons why it had such a strong impact on me, other than the visual impact, was that it was the first event that really changed how I looked and thought about the world. As someone who grew up in the 90s, the world seemed a lot smaller and simpler before September 11; the attacks made me realise just how large and complicated the world really was and I suppose I lost my innocence on that day in many ways.

The other reason I think is because September 11 was the catalyst that eventually led me to becoming an atheist. I know many people found comfort in religion after the attacks (and later after Bali too) and I understand why but personally I struggled to balance what happened with what I’d been taught to believe. While it wasn’t until much later in 2007/2008 that I finally became an atheist, looking back I can see now that it was September 11 that started it.

Thinking about September 11 now though, it’s remarkable how much has happened and how much the world has changed over the last ten years. I doubt that there’s one part of our lives that hasn’t been affected by September 11 in some way; from security at airports when we fly, to the way we interact with different cultures, to the media saturation and the kinds of entertainment we consume, to the way we’ve learnt to live with fear and uncertainty. It really is a different world.

If I’m honest like many people I’m not that happy about a lot of what has changed. I understand the need for increased security but I find the intrusion into our everyday lives by both government and police excessive and the way that our rights have been restricted and the way asylum seekers continue to be treated by the government in the name of national security particularly concerns me. Perhaps it’s a necessary evil but it feels more and more like we’re being ruled by Big Brother in Australia and that’s not an environment I want to live in.

It is remarkable just how much has happened in the last ten years though when you stop to think about it. If someone had told me that New York, Bali, Madrid and London would be attacked and we’d see the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, devastating earthquakes and tsunamis across Asia, governments overthrown, the first African American President and Australia’s first female Prime Minister, the end of Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden, the rise of the Kindle and the iPad and social networking, the death of Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson, all within the next ten years, I wouldn’t have believed them. It feels like enough to have filled two decades… and yet at times it’s all gone by so quickly as well.

For me personally a lot has changed over the last ten years as well. In 2001 I was 16 and dreamt of being a journalist; next week I’ll be 27 and that dream is now mostly just a memory. I have a beard and a little less hair now and I feel older and a little wiser. My taste in music has changed, as has my taste in food. My health is probably worse now than it was, yet somehow I feel happier and more content with who I am at the same time.

I’ve had my heart broken and my dreams trampled on but somehow I’ve always come back stronger. I no longer wear glasses except to read and I’m finally working on my first novel. I’ve felt helpless while my grandmother almost died and I’ve lost old friends and made new ones and we’re about to move again now after almost a decade. So much has changed, and yet, so much is still the same. Life goes on, I guess, even when you’re not looking.

One of the things I always think about with September 11 as well is music. I remember in the days after the attacks I would often turn on the radio or MusicMax, just to take myself away from the scenes that dominated the news, if only for a few minutes. It was how I discovered many of my favourite artists, like Dido and Sarah McLachlan, Radiohead and Nick Cave and Coldplay.

There’s one song though that more than any other I associate with September 11. It’s Ryan Adams’ New York, New York. It was shot just four days before the attacks and contains some of the last recorded footage of the towers before they fell.

At the time the song felt somewhat bittersweet as it was a beautiful song, yet the lyrics carried these sad double-meanings because of September 11 and the video that accompanied it. But as time has gone by, the feeling I get when I listen to the song has changed; listening to it now, it feels more hopeful and reminds me of how time heals. While there is still a sadness to it I think, listening to it now, ten years on, the true character of the song has returned… rather like New York itself.

So I thought I’d post the song today as perhaps more than anything, this is the feeling I have now, ten years on, when I think about September 11… of sadness and reflection, of remembrance, but also of hope and life moving on, and for me this song represents that.

My thoughts and best wishes go out to all of my friends and everyone in the US on this difficult day. May we never forget. And to everyone who lost someone that day, and to everyone that survived, I hope you have begun to find peace.

Image: Old Typewriter ~ motionstil

So this is my first update in a little while. I’ve been concentrating on writing my novel for the last few months and I haven’t had much time for blogging unfortunately. I meant to start again a few weeks ago but after the floods in Queensland and the earthquakes in Christchurch and Japan, I haven’t felt like blogging much. A few people have been asking if I’m okay though, so I thought I’d post a quick update now.

I’m okay for the most part. The main thing on my mind at the moment is that we can’t seem to get hold of one of my mother’s old friends after the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Miyoko was maid of honour at my parents’ wedding and is a pastor at the Hatano Christian Centre in Kanagawa, which we think was hit by the earthquake. We’d fallen out of touch and it may just be that our numbers and email are out of date but nothing seems to be getting through. I’m hoping someone from the centre may stumble across this post on Google and can let us know if she’s okay… we’re getting quite worried and not sure what else to do.

Apart from that, personally I’m okay. My health has been a bit up and down lately; I’m having some treatment on my neck on Wednesday and my insomnia’s come back again as well, but I’m doing pretty well on the whole. I’ve mainly been reading, writing and listening to a lot of Angus & Julia Stone and The Audreys lately, so things could be worse!

My writing’s also going pretty well. February-March is usually when I get a lot of writing done and I feel like I’ve really started to get somewhere with my novel now… I’m about 2/3 of the way through the first draft/outline and should be ready to tackle the main part of the novel in a few weeks. I’m also working on a couple of short stories which I should have finished soon. One of them ties in with the novel and I like what I’ve written so far. The other story is a bit of a character piece about life and death and I’m really excited about that. It feels different to anything I’ve written before and I might even be able to turn it into a novel one day if it goes well.

I’m also still working on Sleepless, my micronovel, although I haven’t updated it in a while. I know a few people have been wondering what’s been going on with it but basically, it just wasn’t working so I’ve had to scrap a lot of it. The idea was that it was supposed to be a novel written specifically for Twitter and Facebook but it never really felt like that and I kept running in to too many problems. I’ve had a rethink about how to approach it and basically I’m going to scale it back a bit and start from the beginning again, so if you’re interested, now’s actually a good time to start following the story. I’ll be posting updates again from Sunday and if you want to follow along, you can follow it on Twitter and the Facebook page.

I’m still looking to get back to studying again later this year as well if I can and I’ve been doing some research into that… the prices aren’t too bad on the whole and I’m still looking at library studies at the moment, which would allow me to teach or do a few other things later as well, or maybe just teaching now if I have the prerequisites. Psychology’s a possibility as well although I’m not sure I’d make a good shrink. I think I’m a little too crazy myself for that!

Apart from that, I haven’t really been up to that much. My writing’s been keeping me pretty busy and I’ve been thinking about moving again as well but I doubt I can afford it at the moment. Unfortunately there’s a huge construction project going on just opposite us which is making a lot of noise at the moment, so I may have to if it keeps up. The rents are so expensive in Sydney at the moment though that I’ll probably have to move out a bit if I do.

I’ve also been thinking about starting my old SF book group again. I loved doing it a couple of years ago but we never really had enough people for it to last, so I think I’d need to know it was more sustainable this time before trying again. I’ve spoken to a few people who sound interested but I’m wary of starting something new if I’m going to be moving as well, so I’m still not sure yet. I might even end up doing something online instead. We’ll see.

Anyway that’s pretty much everything that’s been going on. I’ll probably be offline for a few days after Wednesday but after that I’ll be back blogging again more regularly… I always find I really miss it when I have a break. I plan to start posting more of my photography and I’ve just started experimenting with my video camera as well, so you might see some videos pop up soon. Should be fun!

As I mentioned The Audreys earlier, I thought I’d share this video quickly as well. It’s called Sometimes the Stars and I’ve had it in my head ever since I heard about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. It’s a beautiful song and it just seems to capture the mood at the moment, at least for me.

Take care, wherever you are in the world. And to Miyoko and everyone in Japan, we’re thinking of you. ~ CJ.

Update: Just got some good news. My mother just got an email from Miyoko. She’s okay. She’s a bit away from where the earthquake hit; there’s some radiation there but it’s not too serious at the moment. Very relieved.

The Sydney Harbour Bridge, blanketed by a red haze (photo: Ian Sanderson)

Sydneysiders woke to a strange sight early this morning. A massive dust storm had swept across the state, blanketing Sydney in a plume of dust that stretched for over 600km. It turned the sky an eerie orange-red and I’ve never seen anything like it. It felt like we had been transported to Mars.

The colour came from the red soil and dust of the outback, which had been whipped up and carried inland by fierce gale force winds; it’s estimated the dust plume travelled over 1500 kilometres to reach Sydney. Scientists are saying it might be the worst dust storm in NSW’s history, which I can believe. The pollution in Sydney was awful all day and you couldn’t breathe easily, even after the haze had started to lift.

I was still awake when the dust storm hit. It was incredible; the wind howled and the entire sky seemed to go blood-red in minutes, so much so that I couldn’t see more than 20 metres down the street. The last time I can remember anything like it was after the Black Saturday bushfires, when the sky reflected the fire and there was an overwhelming smell of ash. But even those skies didn’t compare to this; this was like stepping onto another world.

With the UN climate conference beginning in New York, some green groups have suggested that it’s more evidence of global warming. I’m not so sure. Usually I’d be the first person to agree but nature doesn’t need a reason to be wonderful or terrible; I think sometimes these kind of freak occurrences just happen and we shouldn’t ascribe everything to global warming without evidence. I found it very beautiful, despite the chaos it caused.

Unfortunately I didn’t think to take any photos; I didn’t realise how widespread it was at the time. But there are some incredible photos on Flickr and I thought I’d post some of them to give an idea of what it was like. There’s still a dusty smell in the air and the winds are still strong even now, 18 hours later.

I doubt I’ll see anything like it again in my lifetime. Unless I go to Mars.

Another view of the Sydney Harbour Bridge, from beneath, the eerie light reflecting off the harbour. The bridge just seems to fade away and you can barely see the other side. (photo: Ian Sanderson)

Here the Sydney Opera House has all but disappeared, with the dust at its peak in the early morning. Ferry services were cancelled until the haze cleared. (photo: NSW Maritime)

Sydney’s Oxford Street seems transformed, the sidewalks almost deserted. The sepia tones remind me of a scene from the early years of photography. (photo: Cowboy Dave)

Two of Sydney’s iconic landmarks, Sydney Tower and Luna Park, swallowed by the dust storm. Luna Park was closed due to the dust, winds and poor visibility. (photos: Cowboy Dave and Tolomea)

St Mary’s Cathedral, lit up a brilliant shade of pink-red. You can see where some of the dust has settled on the grass as well. (photo: JezKerwin)

Sydney’s Queen Victoria Building, in the heart of the CBD, as the haze has started to lift. Looks like many people found masks or are using tissues to cover their mouths. (photo: Dr. Snafu)

Sydenham station is one of the major railway links in Sydney. The station was blanketed by the red dust and trains were late or cancelled for much of the morning. (photo: MOles)

The Sydney CBD and Darling Harbour; the streets are almost completely deserted on the left, while on the right it’s more like Baghdad than Sydney. (photos: Malcolm Tredinnick and Original Nomad)

Bondi Beach Park in the early hours of the morning. You can’t see it here but some people still took an early morning swim, despite the pollution and low visibility. (photo: sebr)

A traffic button at a pedestrian crossing, showing the accumulation of dust. It covered most vehicles as well. You wonder how much work it will be, cleaning up tomorrow. (photo: Malcolm Treddinick)