All posts tagged 2013

Dreams

Stone Cross

Burnt alive in a house fire
Choked to death in my own bed
Overdosing on morphine
Shot four times in a robbery gone wrong
Drowning in a pool of water
Stabbed to death in a fit of jealousy
Pushed from a great height
Beaten and left for dead in the middle of nowhere

And she finds me in the night
And holds me and says it’ll be okay
She holds me and says it’ll be okay

Thrown out of a moving train
Sucked out an airlock into the vacuum of space
Going down in an aeroplane
Hanging on to a railing for dear life
Jumping from a high balcony
Hit by a car while crossing the road
Killed in a terrorist attack
Executed as an innocent man

And she finds me in the night
And holds me and says it’ll be okay
She holds me and says it’ll be okay

Betrayed by my best friend
Flatlining on the surgeon’s table
Crucified next to Jesus
Suffocated in my sleep
Crushed in an earthquake
Mauled to death by wild animals
Struck down by a heart attack
Dying in my old age sad and alone

Every night I dream these dreams
I dream of death and an endless pain
I dream of my death again and again

Electrocuted by a faulty wire
Set on fire for speaking heresy
Praying for mercy to a god I don’t believe in
Dying of a broken heart

And she finds me in the night
And holds me and says it’ll be okay
She holds me and says it’ll be okay

She holds me and says it’ll be okay

I wrote this poem last night after lying awake most of the night with a series of vivid nightmares. Each time I closed my eyes I saw myself dying and it’s been happening off and on for most of this week. I had similar dreams a couple of years ago when I went through a traumatic period and I guess everything we’ve been going through recently, first with my father and losing our home and now with my grandparents’ dementia as well, has reawakened some of those dreams and flashes.

I was debating about whether or not to post this as it’s so personal and I didn’t want to worry anyone or give them the wrong idea about what I’m feeling (that I might be suicidal or something). I decided to in the end as part of the process of dealing with all this is opening up and making my feelings public. I don’t think it’s my best poem but it’s not meant to be. It’s meant more as a stream of consciousness and in a small way writing it has helped me to deal with some of the shit I’m going through at the moment, which is all I wanted it to do and I’m happy with how it came out.

The photo is one I took a couple of years ago, of a grave in the cemetery of St Jude’s Church in Randwick. I’ve always liked it and the atmosphere in the photo and I thought it suited the poem quite well.

Photo: Stone Cross © CJ Levinson 2011
Poem licenced under Creative Commons

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by cjlevinson on May 26, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Blogging, Life, Personal, Photography, Poetry, Thoughts, Writing
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Posted by cjlevinson on May 26, 2013

http://cjlevinson.com/2013/05/26/dreams-2/

In Transit

© CJ Levinson 2013

I am lost
And have no home
But I have all I need -
Love and my dreams

Caves Beach in Black and White

A home is more than
Bricks and stone:
It is the memories
In your heart

Caves Beach Sunset

I took the photos in this post over the course of the last week. All of these photos are from around Caves Beach, which is a small town about two hours north of Sydney, near Newcastle. My mother and I are currently staying here with my grandparents and I took most of these from their balcony, overlooking the ocean.

Caves Beach is a beautiful location and is wonderful for photography. I’ve been spending a couple of hours every day exploring the beaches and lakes nearby and it’s been very therapeutic after a stressful few months.

My mother and I are here because we are essentially homeless at the moment; we both had to take out AVOs against my father as he became increasingly violent after his suicide attempt, which was one of the hardest and most painful things I have ever done, and without his additional income to support us, we were unable to pay the rent on our flat in Sydney and so our landlords kicked us out. All of our belongings are currently in storage while we try to find somewhere more permanent to live and it has just been the most awful time, first coming to terms with what’s happened to my father and now losing our home too. But coming here, being surrounded by such beauty, has been very therapeutic and has given me a chance to reflect on everything that has happened and begin to heal and I feel thankful for that much at least.

Orange Moon Rising Over the Lake

I’ve taken a lot of photos and will be posting more of them over the coming days but I think my favourite so far is the sunset above. I love the colours and how peaceful it feels but also the promise a sunset brings: how, as the sun goes down, you know it will rise again on a new day. That is how I feel at the moment: that despite everything that has happened and losing our home, tomorrow is a new day and will bring better things. Hopefully it won’t be long in coming.

Photos and haiqua © CJ Levinson 2013

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by cjlevinson on April 28, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Australia, Blogging, Life, Personal, Photography, Thoughts
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Posted by cjlevinson on April 28, 2013

http://cjlevinson.com/2013/04/28/in-transit/

Sunday Morning at Coogee Oval

CJ Presentation

Just a quick update. One of my photos, “Cricket at Coogee Oval”, won a photo competition last week. I entered it in the Randwick Petersham Cricket Club’s photo competition a little while ago and found out last week that it won first place.

There was a small presentation on Sunday morning at Coogee Oval hosted by Mike Whitney, the former NSW and Australia fast bowler and RPCC President, and my mother took the photo above as I accepted my prize, a Canon SX40 camera and a certificate signed by Mr. Whitney.

It was a really nice presentation and it was a thrill meeting Mr. Whitney, who was one of my favourite cricketers during the late 80s and early 90s. It was great meeting the other finalists as well; all the photos were of very high quality and I was very impressed. To be honest I’m amazed I won – I was just happy to make the final ten and didn’t think I had much chance of winning at all, so it was a nice surprise.

It meant a lot to me as well as the last few weeks have been a bit of a nightmare for my family. I’ll explain more in another post soon but we’ve had a very, very traumatic couple of weeks and getting this news came at just the right time to ease some of the burden.

So I am very grateful for that and thank you to everyone at the RPCC and Canon for running such an enjoyable competition and hopefully it will go from strength to strength each year.

Canon Camera

I took a quick photo of the camera once I’d unboxed it as well, so I thought I’d post that as well. It looks like a great camera so I can’t wait to try it out properly this weekend. :)

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by cjlevinson on February 26, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Blogging, Life, Personal, Photography, Random, Thoughts
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Posted by cjlevinson on February 26, 2013

http://cjlevinson.com/2013/02/26/sunday-morning-at-coogee-oval/

Across the Paddock

Across the Paddock

Dry land
Sweltering heat,
The perfect fuel
For a terrible summer

I took this photo just before Christmas, looking out across a small paddock while visiting my uncle’s family with my parents. They live in a small rural community north of Sydney and many of the surrounding towns and suburbs were surrounded by bushfires in the weeks after Christmas. Thankfully my uncle and his family were reasonably far away from it but it’s not hard to imagine the kind of conditions firefighters were facing, with so much dry bushland fueling the fires. Hopefully temperatures stay lower for the rest of the summer and the fires die out… it really has been hell on earth.

Photo and haiqua © CJ Levinson 2012-13

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by cjlevinson on January 21, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Australia, Blogging, Life, News, Photography, Random, Writing
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Posted by cjlevinson on January 21, 2013

http://cjlevinson.com/2013/01/21/across-the-paddock/

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